Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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