Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
