I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
