you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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