How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
