i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
