who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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