If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
