Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
