I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
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