I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
