Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
ugly people sure do ruin things
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
