Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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