I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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