What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
