Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
party gras won. party gras always wins.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm getting married
To pizza
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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