I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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