It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
