I looked at my own cervix.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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