And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
