We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
