AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I could make wine with my vomit
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
