I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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