Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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