What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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