When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
