I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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