"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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