Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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