I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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