Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
