Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Dignity is for republicans.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
