she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
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