even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Mom said you looked used
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
