I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
