Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
