I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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