i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
