I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Randomize
