EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
His hands were made for my vagina.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
