you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
