even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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