She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Randomize
