I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
