hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you will always have a special place in my vag
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
