I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
