sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
