i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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