mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
