There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
