i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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